Beer Math – Pies & Pints, Lexington, KY

Beer Math – Pies & Pints, Lexington, KY

Hey look! A post about REAL BEER on the internet’s only Fictional Beer site.
==> Download the Excel file for Beer Math – P&P <==

A Pies & Pints opened here not too long ago, and I’ve heard some great reviews. I’ve yet to visit so I checked their online menu and found a wonderful table of their 85 beer offerings (plus 2 non-alcoholic brews). So I threw it all into Excel………aaaaand that’s the story of my Tax Day. I spent almost all of Wednesday 2015 April 15 working on beer prices versus ABV. Plus an hour on Thursday, and now this post on Friday. (My job is cool, and has lots of free time.)

The Goal
Find the best ratio of alcohol to cost. This ratio is referred to as Crunk Factor 9000 or Total Cost per Ounce of Alcohol. A lower number is better on this scale.

How to do Drunk Math
Most of the math is straightforward, but I did need to come up with a method. To me a good trip to a bar is going to be about 4 beers over a 2-4 hour period. I’m counting ‘a beer’ as 12 ounces, which is how most beers are sold. So I used 48 ounces as the target amount to be drank. This was easy for 12 & 16 ounce beers, but there were a few beers sold in 22 or 25 ounce sizes. Using some Excel wizardry I found the number of  servings of a beer to not go over 50 ounces.

From that point I figured out how much alcohol you would drink total and the cost. Total cost divided by total alcohol is the Crunk Factor 9000.

In the spreadsheet this is colored from green (cheap) to expensive (red). Sorting by this was a much better determination of how to get a good buzz on good beer.

There’s some more info on the methods and reasoning at the end, but let’s get to the beer.

And the winner is….No. Not That!

The choice of Grover Cleveland (2nd term only)

Voted America’s Best during a time when America was so screwed up at voting we gave the Oval Office back to the guy we kicked out 4 years earlier.

Unlike the Oscars I won’t make you wait until the end. The best beer is clearly Pabst Blue Ribbon!

Okay. PBR is only two bucks at P&P. A great price that is so low it throws off the numbers. The next cheapest beer is twice as expensive. It didn’t take a spreadsheet to figure this out. However at only $6 for 48 oz. of beer you only get a paltry 2.25 ounces of alcohol. Wallet friendly, but not gut/bladder friendly.

Money is dumb.

Money is dumb.

There’s a beer at the other end of the spectrum that is a statistical outlier too. Avery Uncle Jacob’s Stout 2015 is currently one of four featured beers at P&P. At a whopping $18 and 16.9% ABV it’s definitely gonna wallop something. (The little blurb on P&P’s site says 17.4% ABV, but the beer list said 16.9%. Math is based on 16.9%)

But to show why the CF9k score matters this beer comes in at 8.88. Not far from the average of 7.57. This is still a lot of money, but not as bad comparatively to the rest of the menu as that $18 price tag suggests. Four of these will set you back $72, but you’ll also be in a coma with over 8 ounces of alcohol in you. Only 2 of these (24 ounces) would be over 4 ounces of alcohol which would beat out any 48 ounces worth of 70 other beers on this list.

And the Winner REALLY is….
Brooklyn Monster

It's not like your liver was helping with rent anyway. (10.8% ABV)

It’s not like your liver was helping with rent anyway. (10.8% ABV)

At a whopping 10.8% ABV, but a budget friendly $5.50 for 12 ounces Brooklyn Monster scores a healthy 4.24 CF9k. Four of these ales will set you back $22, and you’ll be on the floor with 5.184 ounces of alcohol charging through your liver.

I’ve wondered about this one for awhile. Will try!

The runner up is Dark Horse Scotty Karate which wins the name contest by a landslide. (Say it like Spongebob. Scot-TAY KA-RA-TAY!!!) You save $2, but lose half an ounce of alcohol.
I really want to try this one.

You Chose Poorly Award
Not everyone is looking to get hammered or buzzed even, but love that feeling of a huge bar tab. Look no further than Lindeman’s Framboise. A sweet, tart lambic that costs a ten bucks a bottle. $40 yields only 1.2 ounces of alcohol. A CF9k score of 33.33, which is almost double it’s brother brew, Lindeman’s Faro (17.54 CF9k).

The Five Ouncers Club
There are five beers that offer over five Ounces of alcohol in a four beer drinking session. The bottom three in this list are excellent bang for your buck beers. New Holland’s Dragon Milk is a personal favorite. I even gave it as a special groom’s gift at a friend’s wedding. Very much worth the price in my opinion. (About $16 for a 4-pack in stores.)

Name Price ABV Crunk Factor 9000
Avery Uncle Jacob’s Stout 2015 $18.00 16.9% 8.88
New Holland’s Dragon Milk $9.00 11.0% 6.82
Brooklyn Monster $5.50 10.8% 4.24
Founders Imperial Stout $6.50 10.5% 5.16
Gulden Draak 9000 $8.00 10.5% 6.35

Beer Snobbery Disclaimer
This post has little to nothing to do with taste. It’s simply some math & stats on costs to get buzzed. If you don’t like stouts or ciders or IPAs and won’t drink one of them regardless of cost that’s cool. Personally I don’t like IPAs or ales in general. I prefer stouts & lagers. I’ve got a few simple comments about my tastes, but stats are stats. After the first hour I didn’t even look at the names anymore.
So find what you like & use this as a price guide….or don’t.
Also the two non-alcoholic brews aren’t counted for averages, etc.

How this got started….
Pies & Pints (P&P) listed their beers, price, ounces per serving, ABV, and how they are served. I included all of this info in the first five columns.

First I figured up Price per Oz. What a single ounce of this beer would cost. That was simple but with beers at different sizes and ABV it didn’t tell the whole story. So I color-coded the two columns (Excel feature).High ABV was blue decreasing to red for low ABV. Low cost was blue increasing to red.

Still not clear, but if a beer had two blue cells next to each other. It was probably a good value, but there weren’t many of them.

To be continued…..

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Posted by on April 17, 2015 in Macro Brews, Micro Brews, Reviews


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‘Twas the Night Before Tuesday – A Poem about Ferguson

‘Twas the Night Before Tuesday – A Poem about Ferguson

Twas the night before Tuesday
and all through the streets,
every news network was stirring
with smartphones, and iPads, and pointless Tweets.

My white children were all settled in bed.
While visions of actual justice danced in their heads.
My wife in the bed & I on the sofa
had just turned on CNN because Monday Night Football was ovah.

Out in the midwest there arose such a clatter.
I sat on my ass and watched the whole matter.
Away to the internet I alt-tabbed in a flash.
I threw open the Facebook, the Twitter, new ‪#‎hash‬.

The floodlights on the haze of new fallen smoke
gave the lustre of Bill Maher or Snoop Dog taking a toke.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear!?
Nothing but reporters talking right out of their rear.

A looter, a runner,
Anderson Cooper and Blitzer.
Things burning, on fire
It’s all in the shitter!
From the voice of the SWAT team
To the warning from cops.
Dash away! Dash away!
You’re gonna get shot!

Then in an update I thought was a spoof.
The auto parts store had gone up in a poof!
As I went to the fridge and was turning around
down the street came cops in armored vehicles abound!

They were all dressed in body armor from head to foot.
I heard the stomping and tromping of each little boot.
A bundle of surplus military gear on their back
they looked like soldiers prepared to attack.

Their guns how they twinkled. The violence so scary.
The blue lights were merry. The reds like a cherry.
Anderson’s stoic mouth drawn up like a bow.
The hair on his head as white as the snow.
The fires did burn and spat out the ash.
But the news still had commercials ’cause “We gotta earn cash.”

The chief of police was a jolly old elf.
All callous and righteous and sure of himself.
A wink of his eye & a nod of his head
is all you would see when ‘klansman’ was said.

They spoke not a word and went right to work.
The armored cars tore down the street with a jerk.
And laying their fingers aside of the triggers
They were gonna have to shoot a whole bunch of [PEACE-LOVING RESIDENTS OF FERGUSON, MISSOURI]

They sprang into action and fired a flash.
The people did scatter from a can of tear gas.
But I heard them exclaim as they ran out of sight.
“I’m against violence, but I’m LOOTIN’ TONIGHT!”

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Posted by on November 25, 2014 in Journal


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Too Many Cooks is One of the Most Creative Things on Recent TV

Title Screen

Title Screen

A few weeks ago Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network aired a continuous 1970 – 1990’s sitcom intro spoof for a show called Too Many Cooks. The 12 minute bit was hidden in your program guide as Off-Air. As I sit typing this I’ve caught another installment called ‘Nature’, but that’s another post. You should watch it too.

Too Many Cooks was a creative, return to the hilarious, surreal genre that began with ‘Space Ghost: Coast-to-Coast’ in the 1990s. Adult Swim started a string of hilarious bizarre comedies, but as it grew in popularity [AS] had devolved into live-action satire of major networks, and 2-3 hours of Seth McFarlane reruns. Shows that are at best retreads of old jokes and just references to pop-culture.

There were higher quality shows in terms of production value, but it didn’t feature the ‘out-there’ content that I had always loved. If I wanted higher quality shows I wouldn’t be watching Cartoon Network. It’s an off-shoot network of TBS that was created because Ted Turner bought a variety pack of bankrupt media outlets like I buy variety packs of cereal. Ted ate up all the Cheerios, Raisin Bran, and Frosted Flakes of media, and was left with a box of Lucky Charms. And so the Cartoon Network was born. I digress.

Space Ghost, Harvey Birdman, AQTHF, and The Venture Bros. had sadly become a bunch of Comedy Central comics making fun of the studios and networks where they all were trying to get jobs. They have some funny episodes, but it’s not great comedy to reverse-engineer the boring cop/legal/medical/political dramas on the major networks. I forgot about Adult Swim for a few years.

By sheer luck I found Too Many Cooks, part of Adult Swim’s Off-Air, and I’m happy I did. It starts out just paroding the classic 1970-90s sitcoms, but it becomes so much more. I’m never going to re-watch an episode of CSI, Scandal, or even watch them once. And I’m not going to watch or re-watch their parodies. However I just found myself re-watching ‘Too Many Cooks’ and then analyzing the video. All of which has caused me to produce this post. Must be some quality in that.

If you want to see a bad case of over-analyzing go check out what the New Yorker had to say.

In an era of ‘journalism’ being a four-sentence blog post that links to another ‘article’ which is nothing but a link or in-line YouTube video, Too Many Cooks demonstrates creating something new is the only way to inspire people to create on their own.

“Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possible can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.”
Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country


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Posted by on November 22, 2014 in Live Action, Reviews


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Video Analysis of the Serial Killer on ‘Too Many Cooks’

Video Analysis of the Serial Killer on ‘Too Many Cooks’

The Question
The serial killer is usually noticed after 2 or 3 minutes into the video. So when does he first appear? And how many times is he in the 12 minute bit?

Notes Before We Begin:
You need to watch ‘Too Many Cooks’ to know what the hell is going on.
A hard cut between character credits counts as a separate appearance. Something where he’s changed kill targets or activities.

Notable Appearances
He first can be seen at :21 seconds. Takes a good eye. I caught it the fourth time through when counting.
He doesn’t make his first kill until his eleventh appearance!
His 16th appearance is the chase scene at 4:45 where climbs out from under the bed while the sequence is paused. This is the chase scene. It only counts as one appearance because he is doing the same thing (chasing the girl) for this scene.
21st appearance he takes over the show. He’s on-screen 5 different times inside this section.

  • Standing in the bedroom
  • Peeking in the window
  • Topless in the bedroom
  • Getting a foot out of the oven
  • Having some guests for dinner (GET IT!?)

27th appearance is where his head is on the space ship firing LAZER BEEMZ!

He makes 20 separate appearances ending with being the ‘dad’ at the center of the final family photo.
There are 24 appearances if you include the 4 times with just machete chops and the one where a body is being dragged off the screen. 29 if you separate the appearances when he has taken over the show.

Read my thoughts on Adult Swim’s ‘Off-Air’ episodes & ‘Too Many Cooks’

Timestamps of Appearances (approx.)


  1. :21 – background right, that’s him in the sweater, faceless
  2. :30 – background stairs
  3. 1:14 – behind kid, faceless
  4. 1:37 – left, looking in cabinet
  5. 1:54 – background office ‘worker’
  6. 2:04 – far left, behind wall
  7. 2:24 – background stairs
  8. 3:02 – over cop’s left shoulder
  9. 3:16 – behind cop: This is the first obvious appearance.
  10. 3:40 – animated
  11. 4:14 – KILL 1, faceless
  12. 4:18 – KILL 2, from behind curtain
  13. 4:23 – KILL 3, tennis court
  14. 4:31 – KILL 4, parking garage
  15. 4:34 – KILL 5, drowning in sink
  16. 4:45 – from underneath bed: BEGIN chase scene
    5:38 – KILL 7: END chase scene – Counts as one appearance
  17. 6:07 – KILL 8, machete chop to super heroine, faceless
  18. 6:13 – KILL 9, beheads superhero, faceless
  19. 6:31 – KILL 10, machete chop to detective, faceless
    6:36 – head in the sink, but we don’t see the killer at all or any actions – NOT COUNTED
  20. 6:40 – KILL 11, body dragged away, unseen
  21. 6:44 – dancing in Bedroom – BEGIN Serial Killer’s show takeover
  22. 6:49 – peeping Tom
  23. 6:51 – topless, peeping Tom still in background
  24. 6:56 – cooking foot
  25. 7:04 – having guests for dinner (Fava beans & a nice Chianti not pictured.)
  26. 7:48 – on video screen
  27. 8:04 – spaceship
  28. 8:15 – machete space troops (There are 13-14 clones of him.)
  29. 10:41 – Dad in photo after flash
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Posted by on November 22, 2014 in Live Action, Reviews


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Big Budget Film = Good?…Not Guaranteed

I just finished watching a great movie by mistake, Safety Not Guaranteed. Another movie that remind me why I don’t like the big budget films anymore. I can’t relate to a super-attractive mutant trying to save the world. I can relate to an awkward person trying to understand the world. Each story is simple, but only one is real.

I thought I was just airing some random documentary about an old internet cliche, but it turns out this was a real movie. The setup is based off a pic that has been floating around the internet for years. Someone posted an ad that wanted volunteers to travel back in time. Safety not guaranteed, and even more ominously intriguing, “I’ve only done this once.”

Now before I get into the movie let me explain how I watch movies at home. I keep a laptop in front of me, and on the weekends, libations to the left of me. So forgive me if I miss some details that are only crucial to film-nuts. The fact that this movie gained 100% of my attention and inspired a blog post is all you really need to know. But here’s the review.

The Good
A simple, but hilarious plot of exploring an internet meme.
A hot lead actress.
A hot redhead.
Real characters that feel like they fell off your Facebook feed, or make you wish your Facebook feed had people like this.

The Bad
The lack of a real menacing bad guy.

The Ugly
The high school football game scene that looks like actors trying to look like they’re at a high school football game.

The Review
The movie starts….and I don’t really pay attention other than I realize this isn’t a documentary. OK. It’s a movie. Some basic plot development happens. Three journalists are actually going to follow up on this ad. A cynical 30+ year-old, an eager newb, and the attractive heroine also on her first real assignment.

They find the guy, and he’s your basic Facebook nutjob; menial job, ranting about the government and conspiracy theories. They decide to approach him, and there is a simply brilliant scene which grabs me. The poor schlub is stacking cans of soup at his grocery store job, but he arranges them perfectly. It’s like the Andy Warhol soup cans. There’s beauty in the repetitive simplicity. The attractive heroine plays into the spy story to hook the protagonist, who believes he is an elite thinker/spy……stacking soup cans.

From here the movie has me. I’m not going to ruin it for you.
The characters are simple and real, and isn’t that what our friends are? Simple and real. Not stupid. We just understand them, simply.
The cynical guy is just looking to hook up, and abuse the company expense account.
The newb is looking to begin a career.
The heroine is looking for a story, but really she wants more out of life than a job.
The crazy guy is just misunderstood.

As the story progresses we find that the crazy guy with the ad really has a heart of gold. It may be childish, but he’s honest and real. You can’t help but love the poor guy, and the doe-eyed brunette is smitten too. (I really want to ruin this scene for you. I won’t.)

The cynical guy is meanwhile chasing down an old flame and lost youth. This ends in frustration, but he does the only heroic thing he can do. Make sure the 21-year-old intern doesn’t waste his youth. A night of alcohol-fueled debauchery ensues with a group of strangers that we don’t care about other than we’ve all had a night filled with strangers that were our best friends for that ONE night.

Sadly the next morning is filled with the clarity of being a responsible adult. We all have to make our walk of shame. We were lied to, and we told some lies. This is ‘the fight’ scene of the movie. Dammit it sucks being an adult, and understanding the world. It would be so much easier if a time machine existed.

The movie is somewhat sappy from this point, but I’m reminded of an old Siskel & Ebert review where the movie, despite its flaws, is so lovable you have believe in it. The characters are so relate-able. Their emotions seem real. The ending doesn’t matter. It’s simple, but that’s the magic here. *POOF* The crazy guy had it all figured out in the end.
I gave it 5 Netflix stars.

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Posted by on May 26, 2013 in Reviews, Uncategorized


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Woodford Reserve – Double Oaked or Drinking While Inside a Bourbon Barrel

Aging perfection.

A cool, misty day with friends and loved ones in the heart of horse country. Touring the Bluegrass State’s finest bourbon distilleries along a country road that winds along the Kentucky River. It’s 2:45pm and the fog hasn’t lifted deep in the bottom of the valley. We slow down to admire an abandoned distillery, and stop to snap pics of those ‘white trees’ for the artist in the car. (Sycamores to any Kentuckian that knows their basic foliage and understands what a mess they make in the fall.)

We can’t dally though. The tour starts at 3pm. We’re rushing to our second bourbon distillery tour of the day. We had just left the fun & informative Buffa

lo Trace tour. So why rush to another tour. They’re all the same, right?

The road turns away from the river and the fog turns to drizzle. 3:00pm exactly and we arrive. 3:05pm and we’re being thanked for making a tour. Only 2 other people had shown up. The drizzle turns to a down pour.

The informative tour is a bit stuffy. Less fun, but the class of the place is unmistakeable. Woodford Reserve isn’t there to party. It’s made to enjoy and respect. This is what a life well-lived tastes like, and this is how they make that taste.

The tour continues into the warm warehouse. No modern environmental controls. The thick stone walls make this place naturally warm in the winter. Naturally cool in the summer. The bourbon makes the angels’ share. A smell that can only be described as heavenly. Even a non-drinker (my loved one touring with me) can wallow in this aroma. Barrels tower overhead. Dates cover a decade or more of hard work and care. You’re on hallowed ground here.

On to the more modern bottling areas. Yellow safety lines and warnings protect expensive equipment. The tour guide drones on with the machinations of how it’s all done, like an amateur magician giving away the master’s secrets.
But what is this? Woodford-Reserve-Double-Oaked-1
A Woodford Reserve label, but with a copper sheen. Woodford Reserve Double Oaked. “Due out in February. We’re releasing twice as much this year,” the proud guide says, as if letting you in on a secret. Crates of boxes waiting to be filled with amber treasure.

The tour ends with a basic sampling and a souvenir. A drive through more horse country. On to lunch at a Kentucky treasure, Wallace Station. A UK game is on the radio as we drive past the castle, Keeneland, and Calumet Farm. Can this day be any more Kentucky?
Later we all meet again to party.


It’s now February. Still cold and drizzle, but there it is in the store, Woodford Reserve Double Oaked. Now it’s in my home. Taking me back to that day. A glass sets atop a hand-painted coaster given to me by the artist mentioned earlier.
This is bourbon perfection.
It’s a glass of friendship and happiness. New acquaintances becoming friends. New experiences during a classic experince: the drink with friends. Double Oaked is a bourbon tour on your couch. No cold & mist can dampen this occasion. The cold makes you want to be warm and comfy. The mist just keeps the scent low and strong. Weather a bloodhound would love. Every drink is an occasion to itself.

The oakey scent is that of a bourbon barrel. Several times between drinks I’ve paused just to inhale the aroma again and again. Charred oak barrel wafts out of the glass, carrying along vanilla, summer bluegrass,  and the purity of limestone filtered water. This is a glass of Kentucky. It’s a glass of that day all over again. Perfection.

The Disclaimer

Everything you read above is true. But I still prefer Blanton’s over the Double Oaked. That’s just me. I see Double-Oaked as a top-shelf equal. The flavor is what bourbon strives to be.

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Posted by on February 10, 2013 in Reviews, Uncategorized


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Fictional Beer in Review

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The new Boeing 787 Dreamliner can carry about 250 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,500 times in 2012. If it were a Dreamliner, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Posted by on December 30, 2012 in Uncategorized


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